Paramount Pictures Presents
A Michael Bay Film
SON OF ABRAHAM
What would you do if God told your dad to kill you?
COMING SOON TO THEATERS
(but not really)
Sometimes I like to pretend there’s a better world out there somewhere.
One with a live-action Chip and Dale’s Rescue Rangers movie directed by Michael Bay.
Okay, so maybe not a better world.
I used to have a tablet for my laptop.
I miss it.
Anyway, fake movie poster made from a picture someone took of my friend Jimmy.
When did Charlie from the Chocolate Factory grow up!? WHAT IS HAPPENING
At first I was going to be a cynical ass about this Puss in Boots trailer, but, well. Then I actually watched it, and it looks better than the Shrek movies. And given that the Shrek movies are pretty much the only thing CGI related of any quality that Dreamworks puts out, I’m pretty interested in this.
I mean, it looks like Cliched Action Fantasy Movie 101, starring Ridiculous Renditions of Fairy Tale Creatures.
And I am OK with that.
Made this awhile back with a picture taken and enhanced by my good friend Joseph.
One of my better faux movie posters.
REALLY AMERICA!?
WHY!?
STOP THIS
STOP MAKING THESE MOVIES
STOP SEEING THESE MOVIES
STOP ENCOURAGING THE SLOW DEATH OF OUR COLLECTIVE CULTURAL TASTES
I SWEAR YOU PEOPLE MAKE ME WANT TO MOVE TO CANADA
It seems life is intent on always proving me wrong. I thought the Wii was an awful name for a gaming console, but that didn’t really seem to matter.
But now I work retail, and I can explain to you exactly why the Wii U is an AWFUL name.
Reason One
Nintendo has focused more on the controller than the console. I had to wade through several announcement stories to even FIND a picture of the new console. Gimmicky controls are great and wonderful sugary rainbows and all, but when you’re pushing a new console on how it’s your new HD console to appeal to the core gamer, at some point, YOU SHOULD SHUT THE HELL UP ABOUT YOUR CONTROLLER. And this controller focus is bad because of…
Reason Two
The name is not even close to dissimilar from the Wii. It is literally one letter off. They are doing this for branding reasons, I’m sure, thinking they’ll easily get the Wii’s user base to adopt it, but here’s the thing: Nintendo is the brand. Nintendo is what people will hear and go out and buy this thing over. You could name it the Nintendo Sunset and people would still buy it.
I shudder when I think about the headache inducing conversations I’m going to have to endure. I already have to explain the differences between the DS Lite, DSi, DSi XL, and the 3DS to nearly all my customers—now I’m going to have to explain why Wii games work in their Wii U but their Wii U games don’t work in their Wii. Or why the Wii U controller doesn’t work with the Wii. I heartily expect most people to come in trying to get the new Wii U controller and freaking out when I explain they have to buy an entire console.
You may think I’m kidding. I have customers come to me with their printer manual, essentially just because they don’t know how to find the section that tells them what frickin’ printer ink is compatible. The general consumer doesn’t know anything. But that’s not their fault or their problem. It’s not their burden to explain what a product is or does. That’s up to the manufacturer, the marketers. The consumer’s only duty is to consume, and the manufacturer has no right to complain if the consumer doesn’t want to because they were confused or misled.
Reason Three
The Wii U isn’t even an accurate name. It’s not! The Wii U is supposed to be more powerful (slightly) than the PS3 and 360. Which means it’s fairly significantly more powerful than the Wii. Adding just one letter makes it sound like a slight upgrade (coughDSicough). This is comparable to if they’d just named the Wii the Super Gamecube, except that actually would have been acceptable, because the Wii was not much more powerful. Its biggest change was the controller.
Summation
The Nintendo Wii U will probably be a good console, but I’m going to avoid helping anyone that wants one lest my head explode from trying to explain shit to them.
Now if you excuse me, I have to go trademark Nintendo Sunset so I can make bank in case Nintendo is watching and feels inspired.
It’s a good thing that I don’t really like the X-Men.
Clarification: I like the X-Men. I just don’t really like them.
I watched the 90s cartoon some back in the day (don’t watch it now unless you own a pair of rose-tinted glasses, because like every cartoon from the 90s not starring Batman, it is trash) but I just don’t love the X-Men. I like them, they’re cool.
Anyone who knows me knows that I have a penchant for rag tag groups of mutant teenagers (heroes in a half shell, TURTLE POWER)—but no, I can’t tell you who the X-Men fought in the October 2001 issue of Astonishing X-Men. No, I can’t tell you which dimension Cable came from. No, I can’t tell you one damn thing about the X-Men other than every damn thing everyone else has osmose’d from general pop culture.
So. That brings me to why I love that I don’t like the X-Men. It’s fairly simple.
It means that I can enjoy any media product starring a team of mutants and enjoy it so long as it’s good. Not caring about continuity is wonderful, and so is X-Men: First Class.
Some people will tell you that X2 is better.
These people are wrong.
And they’re wrong because this is the first X-Men movie to really add any focus to my favorite aspect of the X-Men—a bunch of kids learning who they are, and becoming the mutants they were meant to be.
Most reviews at some point compare this film to James Bond, or the older X-Men films. My favorite parts were the ones I’d compare to Harry Potter.
Which leads me to my closing statement.
Dear Hollywood,
Please make an X-Men coming of age tv high school drama. One Tree Hill with super powers. Harry Potter, with sci-fi instead of magic.
Ellen Paige instead of Hermione.
This is the teenage super drama that should have been on the air the past decade, not Smallville.
Love,
Corty.
Anyway. Thanks, all zero of you who read this.
Goodnight, internet.
Status report: Inception was one helluva movie. An intelligent summer blockbuster, another great notch on Christopher Nolan’s belt. I’d offer up something resembling an actual review, except I was too busy enjoying the hell out of this movie to take the mental notes I’d need to write something worthy of anyone’s time.
Anecdotaria: There were some hiccups during the midnight opening I attended. At one point, the film snapped, and we had to wait for them to fix it. I was very glad I didn’t take the time to go get concessions or go to the bathroom, as those that did take it as an intermission found themselves returning to a movie several minutes ahead of where they left it.
Let me say this: Inception isn’t so hard to keep up with, as, say, 4th dimensional calculus on the highway, but you will probably regret it if you take a moment or two at any time to stop paying attention.
More anecdoting however; someone also passed out during our showing.
One of the more interesting midnight openings I’ve been to.
