the pop culture slum

Puss? IN BOOTS

At first I was going to be a cynical ass about this Puss in Boots trailer, but, well. Then I actually watched it, and it looks better than the Shrek movies. And given that the Shrek movies are pretty much the only thing CGI related of any quality that Dreamworks puts out, I’m pretty interested in this.

I mean, it looks like Cliched Action Fantasy Movie 101, starring Ridiculous Renditions of Fairy Tale Creatures.

And I am OK with that.

Scary Movie 5 is a thing

REALLY AMERICA!?

WHY!?

STOP THIS


STOP MAKING THESE MOVIES
STOP SEEING THESE MOVIES

STOP ENCOURAGING THE SLOW DEATH OF OUR COLLECTIVE CULTURAL TASTES

I SWEAR YOU PEOPLE MAKE ME WANT TO MOVE TO CANADA

x-men: first class

It’s a good thing that I don’t really like the X-Men.

Clarification: I like the X-Men. I just don’t really like them.

I watched the 90s cartoon some back in the day (don’t watch it now unless you own a pair of rose-tinted glasses, because like every cartoon from the 90s not starring Batman, it is trash) but I just don’t love the X-Men. I like them, they’re cool.

Anyone who knows me knows that I have a penchant for rag tag groups of mutant teenagers (heroes in a half shell, TURTLE POWER)—but no, I can’t tell you who the X-Men fought in the October 2001 issue of Astonishing X-Men. No, I can’t tell you which dimension Cable came from. No, I can’t tell you one damn thing about the X-Men other than every damn thing everyone else has osmose’d from general pop culture.

So. That brings me to why I love that I don’t like the X-Men. It’s fairly simple.

It means that I can enjoy any media product starring a team of mutants and enjoy it so long as it’s good. Not caring about continuity is wonderful, and so is X-Men: First Class.

Some people will tell you that X2 is better.

These people are wrong.

And they’re wrong because this is the first X-Men movie to really add any focus to my favorite aspect of the X-Men—a bunch of kids learning who they are, and becoming the mutants they were meant to be.

Most reviews at some point compare this film to James Bond, or the older X-Men films. My favorite parts were the ones I’d compare to Harry Potter.

Which leads me to my closing statement.

Dear Hollywood,

Please make an X-Men coming of age tv high school drama. One Tree Hill with super powers. Harry Potter, with sci-fi instead of magic.

Ellen Paige instead of Hermione.

This is the teenage super drama that should have been on the air the past decade, not Smallville.

Love,

Corty.

Anyway. Thanks, all zero of you who read this.

Goodnight, internet.

slumlord of the week

Jason Statham.

yes Jason Statham, notable action hero and star of the Transporter and Crank franchises, and all around bad-ass.

this week i salute you, fine sir. you, whose adrenaline-filled adventures entertain me year after year.

may you never wind-up an action star has-been relegated to the realm of slightly-amusing internet meme *cough cough steven segal cough cough chuck norris cough cough*

may you one day rest in peace, after going down in a flurry of lead, taking your attackers down with you.

amen.

dear sam raimi

hi!

how could you in any good conscience agree to help make a WoW movie?

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU

have you had a cat scan lately?

thanks,

me